Smart Condoms – The Penis Accessory No One Asked For

Lets Pretend This Never Happened Bar
Photo by Patrick Tomasso

Just when you thought romance died with the invention of Tinder, along comes the i.Con to turn your partner’s penis into a stat-collecting ‘Sexbit’ that not only measures the amount of calories they burn ‘doing it’, but also informs them of their thrust speed.

We wish this was a joke, but it really, really isn’t. The age of ‘smart condoms’ is upon us, with the first set to hit shelves in the very near future.

So what exactly is it and how does it work?

The i-Con is a lightweight ring that fits around the base of the penis, holding the condom in place. It is the latest product to come out of the dubiously helpful ‘wearable tech’ movement.

The seller British Condom’s website advertises it accordingly:

“Have you ever wondered how many calories you’re burning during intercourse? How many thrusts? Speed of your thrusts? The duration of your sessions?”

That’s four ‘nos’ from us, British Condoms.

The information can then be sent directly to a tracker app on the wearer’s phone, allowing them not only to analyse their performance, but also – in the ultimate TMI moment – share their results on social media.

The trouble is, we can’t imagine the wearing of said ‘Sexbit’ is likely to encourage much more than uncontrollable laughter, so there probably won’t be much thrusting action for them to analyse in the first place. After all, being another notch on the bedpost is harsh, but even fewer women probably lust after being a sex stat on Facebook.