Do We Really Need To Tell You Not To Put Glitter In Your Vaginas?

Glitter make-up
Photo by Getty

In the year of our Lord 2017, it’s hard to believe we have to tell women out there not to put glitter inside their vaginas. Let alone to tell wider society to stop making us feel ashamed of our genitalia in the first place.

But apparently, we do, because one brand has seized a gap in the market for a glitter product no one wanted or needed – a magical, vaginal bombs that makes your discharge sparkle, taste like candy and smell like sweets. The catch? The enormous risk of giving yourself a severe gynaecological infection from a product that not only doesn’t include a thorough list of ingredients, but is completely unnecessary.

Never the less, online retailer Pretty Woman Inc claims it has sold out of the small capsules, that, according to the website, “you insert into your vagina and allow it to naturally dissolve and release its contents”.

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“The flavour is sweet like candy but not overly sweet, just enough to make your lover feel that your Yara (water-lady or little butterfly) is what all vaginas are supposed to look, feel and taste like; soft, sweet and magical!”

So far, so nauseating.

Unsurprisingly, gynaecologists are warning users against trying the product.

In a blog piece titled Don’t glitter bomb your vagina, Dr Jen Gunter wrote:

“Given all the pussyfooting around the ingredients it is hard to offer specific advice (beyond don’t use it), but I will do my best because I know you all want to know.

“Could the plastic be a nidus for bacteria? Sure. I’ve seen a nasty inflammatory vaginal discharge from sand so this could be a similar set up. Might the little flakes of plastic produce vaginal wall granulomas ? (A granuloma is walled off inflammatory mass produced by tissue in response to a foreign body). They could.

“If it isn’t plastic and it’s sugar, well, depositing sugar in the vagina lets the bad bacteria go wild. Studies looking at treating bacteria vaginitis with vaginas probiotics were halted because the glucose keeping the probiotics alive made the bad bacteria go wild. Could the vehicle be an irritant and cause a vaginal contact dermatitis? Yes and ouch. Think vaginal sunburn!

“Is it possible the goo might damage the good vaginal bacteria leading to infections as well as in increased risk of STIs? You bet. Given how tacky it looks it is unlikely an intimate lubricant (or a safe one anyway). What impact will this have on vaginal pH? Unknown.”

Those are the symptoms, but let’s briefly touch on what caused this product to exist in the first place. Perhaps it’s the same reason a worrying number of girls, some as young as nine, are requesting surgery on their vaginas because the appearance of them distresses them? Does it have something to do with how horrified we are by our own pubic hair? So much so, that many of us undergo 25 minutes of excruciating pain having the whole lot waxed off every month. What is wrong with the way we are anyway, and who is telling us to change? Are men doing this to their genitalia too, or are we doing it out of a misguided sense that it will make us more attractive?

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All questions well worth thinking about before you landscape your Lady Garden in the future.

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Originally published 5th July 2017